Clarity
by lady knight Ardia
Summary: It's amazing what the actions of one person can do to people. Helga finds it's time to discover who she is and where her place is in the world. And it may mean leaving some people behind . . .
1. Chapter 1

(This fanfic is not intended to glorify or make suicide seem like an answer)

The bath water was warm. She opened her eyes and saw that the water was turning pink where she could see. She smiled and closed her eyes again. She could hear banging and yelling on the door to the bathroom, but ignored it. Then she closed her eyes again. It sort of stung, her lungs burning, screaming for air, but she ignored it all, then silence and peace.

Then coldness. Freezing coldness and noise again. She felt a stinging on her left cheek and opened her eyes. Her father's terrified, yelling face real close to hers. She closed her eyes again and took a breath. Her lungs were delighted. Her eyes fluttered open again and there were other people, one pulling her father back and forcing him out the door, where Olga stood frozen, a look of horror on her face. Miriam was still as a statue and just as white.

Helga felt herself being lifted up from the cold floor and then carried, but then everything went dark and silent again.

Miriam was left to clean up the mess of blood and water left all over the bathroom floor.

…

"Hey you guys, you won't believe what I just saw!" Eugene called out to the group setting up for baseball. "Helga was taken away in an ambulance!"

He tripped as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

"Really?" Gerald asked. "Wonder why?"

"Oh no," Phoebe said, dropping her mitt and taking off at a run.

"Phoebe!" Gerald called out to his girlfriend, but she ignored him and kept running. He sighed, dropped the bat he was holding, waved to the others and took off after her. Phoebe and Helga had recently had an argument. He knew what she was probably thinking. It was her fault, whatever it was. When he finally made it to where Phoebe was, she looked ready to faint. She wasn't unfit, but she wasn't fit-fit either. She was out of breath.  
"Pheeb's, come on, we'll go to my place and drive," he said to her. She shook her head. He sighed and settled into a jog beside her. When they finally turned down Helga's street and her house came into view, Phoebe stopped. Gerald stopped just passed her and turned to look at her. Then she slowly walked across the street and up to the house, where Olga was sitting on the stoop in tears, and a neighbour was trying to her to take a drink.

"I'm telling you, I don't blame the poor girl at all for taking her life," Phoebe heard one woman say. "I'm surprised she lasted this long."

"Sad thing it is, but let's face it, she was never a happy child," an old man said. "Always scowling, and sulking-"

"Well if Big Bob Pataki and a drunk were your parents, wouldn't you be?" asked another.

"It was only ever going to end one way for that girl. Guarantee you the older one will be next, all the pressure they put on her."

Phoebe felt tears spring to her eyes. She looked towards the speakers. One of them nudged another and pointed at her. She did the most un-Phoebe thing in her life. She gave them the finger, then made her way to Olga.

….

Big Bob sat in a waiting room. Where had he gone wrong? What had he done wrong? 'You know what you did wrong,' his voice kept echoing in his head. 'She's been crying out for help for years and you ignored every cry.' He shook his head. He had always been a busy man. First when he had his beeper business, then after that went bust he moved on to working in another business, and was now trying to work his new one up. Helga had told him a long time ago to get with the times and invest in something other than beepers.

He never did pay her any mind. She always said he'd regret it. And he did. But not because of the business side of things. He'd always ignored her when it was inconvenient. They'd poured a lot into Olga, and then along came Helga. She had been a surprise. Bob had been delighted at first, because it meant Miriam had no choice. She had to give up the booze. But then Helga had come along and it became a very different story. The reflux, the colic, the immature bladder, the bowel problems. Always getting this or that medicine, for some problem or another. They put so much work into her, and then there was their eldest daughter, that they were exhausted by the end of the day. Once Helga was "better", Bob was back at his beeper emporium everyday, sometimes seven days a week, thirteen hours a day. Miriam had gone back to drinking, Olga had her extra-curricular activities, and Helga . . . Well, she did whatever it was toddlers did before going to kindergarten.

Kindergarten. Bob often kicked himself when he remembered the call he got from Urban Tot's that day. They had tried to call Miriam, but had no luck, so had tried him at his work. Apparently she had shown up wet, with no lunch, and distressed. He had apologised profusely and lied saying he had been at work and that it was Miriam's job. The truth was he had been paying attention to Olga playing the piano. The threat of social workers being called in if it happened again was enough to wake them both up. For a little bit. But once elementary school came along, it went back to the way it was. Bob always at work, Miriam always doing whatever it was Miriam did. He didn't pay to much attention, even after his youngest daughter was sent to a therapist.

He frowned. This was a wake up call of the worst kind.

…

Miriam never dreamed that she would be cleaning her daughter's blood from the bathroom floor. It was not what a mother should have to do. She cried silently. She didn't even know why she was doing this. Where was Olga? Why wasn't Olga helping? That girl never was good when it came to real problems.

Miriam got up off her knees and went looking for her oldest daughter. She was holding back the scream that had caught in her throat at the sight of her youngest daughter floating in a bath of blood and water, razor blade at the bottom.

She made her way downstairs and opened the door to find her eldest with her head on a neighbours shoulder crying and holding a mug of steaming liquid, while Helga's little friend . . . Uh, Petra? Polly? Francie? Whoever she was, was rubbing her back and talking quietly. Everyone turned to look up at Miriam who stood over them all, looking down at them.

"The least you could do is help me clean up the mess inside, Olga," Miriam snapped. She looked over at the other neighbours. "What are you all looking at? Have a good gawk, go on. You can all go to hell!"

She glared down at Olga, who looked stunned, like a deer trapped in the headlights.

"Well, hurry up, Olga. Close your mouth, stop looking like a stunned possum and help me for God's sake, help me!" she screeched. Then she moved inside and slammed the door. She went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass and her sherry and poured. Then she just stared at it. This wasn't going to help, she realized. She would drink this, she would pass out, she would forget, but eventually she would awaken from the stupor, feeling worse, and her daughter, her little baby, would still be lying in a hospital. She let out a roar, picking up the bottle of sherry and throwing it at the wall. Then she went on a rampage. Any bottles she could find, hidden and in view, were smashed against the walls, the benches, the door, the table. All the while she screamed and raged.

When Olga finally entered she saw her mother's legs and hands were bleeding, and there were scratches from glass on her face. Glass was everywhere, which explained her mothers injuries. The kitchen smelled like a brewery. She slipped on the liquid, but gingerly made her way over to Miriam and picked her up under the armpits, and helped her to her feet, and led her into the lounge and to the couch. Then she went upstairs, deliberately not looking into the bathroom. The carpet in the hall outside was wet, and she could still hear the tap running. Had her mother not turned it off? The door was broken on it's hinges from where he had smashed his weight against it til it broke down.

She opened a suitcase and took out her first aid kit she kept there and hurried back down the stairs to tend to Miriam.

…

Phoebe and Gerald's walk to her place was a quiet one. Everything she had said to Helga over the last two days kept playing in her head. From what she had gleamed from Olga, Helga had gone into the bathroom, filled the tub, and slit her wrists, then let herself sink under the surface. Bob had walked past and hearing the tap running had yelled at her to turn it off. He'd gotten no answer. It was a few minutes later when Olga and Miriam really heard him yelling and banging. They got up there he was throwing himself against the door. When it finally gave, she said the look on his face was one she'd never forget. He'd screamed over and over for them to call nine-one-one. And had lifted Helga out of the bath himself.

Phoebe sobbed as quietly as she could. She should have known something was wrong. Arnold had broken Helga's heart, again, and this time, Phoebe over it had been less sympathetic to her. Told her that was what she got. That she asked for it, and that she was tired of hearing about it all the time.

"Hey, do you want me to wait with you a while, at least until your parents get home?" Gerald asked. He too was in shock. The biggest, meanest, bully had committed suicide. Or attempted. They didn't know yet if Helga Pataki was dead, but judging by the blood on Miriam's dress and the state of Olga . . . He shook his head. He had a fair idea of what would have been the last straw, but only he, Phoebe, Helga and Arnold would actually know, though Helga would know the most.

"No, I just want to be alone," she said quietly.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "You had a big shock. It might be better if I hung around, you know?"

She shook her head.

"Okay fine. Can I hang around you? Because man, I'm freaking out here," he admitted. Phoebe looked at him and saw he was telling the truth. She gave a sad, small smile.

"Okay."

….

"I wonder what happened?" Sid asked everyone around him. No one said anything. They never started the game.

"I don't know," said Eugene, "But they had one of those mask things over her face to help her breathe and everything. Bob was all scared and was crying and jumped into the ambulance with her."

"Big Bob Pataki was crying?" Arnold asked, shocked.

Eugene nodded.

Everyone looked at the ground. That couldn't be a good sign. A niggle of guilt bit into Arnold's conscience. Was he responsible for this? Gerald had warned him, Phoebe had told him, he himself knew how Helga felt. And he had used that. He bit his lip until he could taste blood. It was the third time Arnold had played this game with Helga. But the previous times she had bounced back, and been there for him when it all fell apart. He had expected the same this time. He hung around with her, going to the movies, fairs, just generally acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, and kisses were exchanged, then some pretty girl would come along, and show interest in him, and for some reason he would show interest back. It was only ever skin deep, never anything truly serious. The latest had been Lila. Again, only skin deep. Thinking back, he had been selfish. Whenever a guy showed interest in Helga, he would dump the girl he was with and hang around Helga again. He didn't want her all the time, but he would be damned if he would let anyone else have her at all.

"I'm heading home," he told everyone.

"Me too," Harold said. "I don't feel like playing anymore."

Everyone else who was there murmured in agreement, and they all went their separate ways, to try and make sense of what had happened.

When he reached the boarding house he didn't announce that he was there. He just went straight up to his room, closed the door, laid down on his bed and stared at the sky through the skylight. He knew his parents and grandparents would think he was still out with his friends, and wouldn't come looking for him for a while. He closed his eyes to hold back tears. His chest suddenly felt like it was being ripped apart, like everything was trying to rip it's way out through his skin or something. It was an actual physical pain.

When his parents finally did find him, he was asleep on his bed. By now all the parents had heard what Helga had done to herself. His mother threw a blanket over him then kissed his forehead, and quietly left his room without waking him.

…..

The phone ringing broke through the silence of the Pataki house. Olga jumped from fright at the sudden intrusive noise. Looking down at her sleeping mother, she made her way to the phone a picked it up.

"Hello?" she asked.

"She's alive," was all her father said, before hanging up.

Olga sobbed. Her baby sister was alive!


	2. Chapter 2

(I don't own Hey Arnold)

…

…

…

_She was in the park when it happened. Arnold and her were going to watch a movie at his place that night, but he had cancelled on her the previous day, saying he had to help his grandparents with something. She had thought nothing of it as he often did that, even while she was there. Things had been coming along promisingly, though Phoebe warned her not to get her hopes up. Especially after the last two times. Helga and Arnold had a funny relationship._

_Rounding the corner she was surprised to see Arnold sitting on a bench by the fountain laughing with Lila. 'Don't over think it, Helga, you know they're friends.' Then, like watching a train crash, they moved closer and kissed. Helga couldn't breathe, and her throat closed up. She felt everything from the neck down constrict then just drop. Swore she could feel her heart hit the concrete under her feet and shatter. She didn't know what to do. Keep walking, but take a path where they couldn't see her? Or perform the cliché dash from the park in the opposite direction._

_She looked away and started down another path when she heard her name called out. Sheena. She looked up. Yip, it was Sheena. Lila looked behind her and waved too. Arnold noticeably tried to sink down on the bench. Lila gave him a funny look and asked him if her were okay. Helga waved to Sheena and Lila and made her way over, feeling every muscle in her body scream at her to run the other way._

_"I'm glad I saw you," Sheena said in her squeaky voice. "I need to get your measurements for your dress for the show."_

_"Oh, right, um, can we do it lunchtime Monday?" she asked. "I wont be doing anything then."_

_She saw Arnold flinch. So he freaking well should! They were supposed to be working on a economics project that day, but Helga knew, when he had a "girlfriend" that his lunchtimes would be tied up with the girl. She sighed._

_"Okay, just stop by the auditorium then and I'll get your sizing," Sheena said kindly._

_"Oh, Helga?" Lila suddenly asked. Helga turned and smiled at her. "Can I look over your calculus notes? I missed the class because of a dentist appointment, and no one else has them."_

_Helga wanted to leap at her and rip her throat out, then stuff it down Arnold's throat until he chocked on it and died._

_"Sure thing, I'll drop it off tonight," she said. She watched as Arnold swallowed and looked at the trees nearby._

_"Okay, but I wont be home tonight," Lila said. "Arnold and I are going out for dinner and a movie."_

_Helga raised her eyebrow. "Really? Huh, well I guess I'll just leave it with your father then," she said nicely, giving Lila a smile. Lila gave her genuine smile back._

_"Thanks Helga, you're a lifesaver," she said. Helga just nodded._

_"See you guys," she said, giving a small wave and walking away. She refused to look behind her to see if Arnold was watching her leave. She could feel the pinpricks in her eyes, signs she was going to cry._

_It wasn't even that he was seeing someone else that hurt the most, she realised._

_It was the fact he had lied that hurt._

_She had walked to Phoebe's house, hoping that she would be home. Walking up to the door she knocked and waited patiently. When the door opened Phoebe was standing there, dressed all nicely and looking pretty._

_"Helga? What are you doing here?" she asked, surprised._

_"I needed someone to talk to," she said. She waited a moment, while Phoebe looked at her awkwardly._

_"Oh, well, um, okay, but now's not a good time," she said, looking at her feet. "Gerald and I are going out to dinner and a movie."_

_"With Lila and Arnold?" Helga asked, feeling bitter._

_Phoebe sighed._

_"Look Helga, you knew this would happen," she told her best friend who looked on the verge of tears. "I warned you and warned you and you just went along your own merry way, head in the clouds. I don't want to hear about it anymore. You do this to yourself, every time."_

_Helga frowned, and then without a word turned around and walked off._

_"God, way to ruin my night," she heard Phoebe mutter before she slammed the door._

_Gerald passed her and honked his horn, but she didn't look up. She just wanted to get home. When she did it was quiet, but she could smell dinner cooking._

_"Oh Helga, there you are," her older sister Olga said, meeting her in the hallway. "Can you watch the pavlova?"_

_"Pavlova?" she asked. "What the heck is pavlova?"_

_"Oh you'll like it, I promise," Olga assured her, then quickly went out the door._

_Helga sighed and sat down in the kitchen. She was home alone for a bit. She picked up her sisters cook book as she started to cry. 'Kiwi Cuisine" she read. She opened it and started to read, hoping it would take her mind off her feelings of hurt, embarrassment and betrayal._

_It didn't work. When Olga came back ten minutes later she saw her sister, head down on the counter sobbing._

_"Baby sister, what's wrong?" Olga asked, concern in her voice. Helga shook her head. "Do you want to talk about it?"_

_Helga lifted her head and stared at her sister a moment. Seeing she was sincere she told her everything. The pavlova was forgotten. Olga shed tears during her sisters heartbreaking tale._

_"Oh Helga, why are you letting him control you like that?" she asked, rubbing her sister's back comfortingly._

_"I don't know, Olga, I really don't," she admitted. "I love him. But every time this happens, it feels like someone is chipping away at that love."_

_Olga not knowing what to say just gave her a hug. Helga sighed._

_"Lila wants to borrow my notes," Helga told her, but I don't feel like dropping them off to her. I don't want to see her."_

_"Fair enough," Olga said. "Tell you what, after dinner I will take your notes over to her, okay?"_

_Helga breathed a sigh of relief. "Thankyou Olga."_

_As her parents came in the door, Helga went upstairs and filled the bath . . ._

_…_

"Come on, girl," she heard her dad's gruff voice talking to her. "Open your eyes, wake up."

Helga squeezed her eyes tighter. She didn't want to wake up. She wanted to keep sleeping.

"I brought you some lunch, B," she heard her mother's voice say.

"Oh, baby sister," she heard her sister say, then felt warm lips on her forehead. Olga.

Helga slowly opened her eyes to see her family there. They looked so sad and sombre.

"Dad?" she croaked.

"Oh my," her sister said, standing up and disappearing from sight. When she came back she had a grumpy looking nurse with her. She glared at Helga a moment and disappeared again.

"What the hell were you thinking?" he demanded, lifting her by her shoulders and hugging her to him.

"Ow!" Helga cried out, her arm burning.

"Bob the drip, _the drip!_" her mother said in a panic.

"Oh shit!" Bob said.

…

Two weeks later Helga went home. She hadn't been up for visitors in hospital. She was feeling very foolish and couldn't face her friends yet. She was embarrassed. Though she had realised a few things.

One, okay, her family wasn't perfect, but they loved her, and were trying their hardest to get her, _and_ themselves, some help.

Two, Arnold _wasn't worth it_.

And three, she didn't blame Phoebe.

In that hospital bed between visiting hours, with the grumpy nurses - who it turns out hold a fair bit of resentment towards suiciders, after all, they're "wasting" time on someone who doesn't want to live as opposed to someone who does.

"You tell me the fairness in that?" one particularly grouchy old-school nurse said. "Nothing more selfish. Your selfish, you know that? You never thought about your family, never thought about the poor paramedics who would have to come pick you up and save your ass, did you? Someone had to clean up that mess you left behind in the bathroom, too, and who do you think that would have been?"

Helga felt mad at the time, but came to realise that the nurse was right. She hadn't thought of her friends or family or the people who had to keep her alive til they got her to the hospital, and then the surgeons and doctors and nurses, who were already swept off their feet with people, only to have someone like her roll in. It had made her cry.

When asked by Dr. Bliss - lucky for Helga she was still classed as a minor at fifteen - she had said that she honestly didn't even remember going into the bathroom and doing what she did. She was just as surprised when she woke up in the hospital, as everyone was to what she had done.

Dr. Bliss had frowned, and taken notes, wanting to know everything that led up to it. Had she felt suicidal lately? No. And she hadn't planned this? No. She could tell that the psychologist in front of her, listening to her, taking notes, was concerned about it, but she said nothing. Mondays and Wednesdays she was to have individual therapy and Friday's were with family.

And she was on suicide watch.

"I wont do it again," Helga told her.

"I know you wouldn't Helga, but you just did and you didn't even realise you were doing it," Dr. Bliss told her. "_That_ concerns me."

When Olga followed her sister up the stairs to her bedroom upon her arrival home, Helga felt panic flutter in her chest as she went up the stairs. She avoided looking into the bathroom. She rubbed her hand over one bandaged wrist. Entering her room she felt odd. As if she had entered someone else's room. She didn't like the wallpaper, though the bed was nice. The covers weren't. When she looked in the mirror she saw a solemn, pale girl stare at her. She almost jumped when she saw her. Was that really her?

She touched her long hair, ran a finger over her eyebrow. She felt disconnected from the person in the mirror. She felt disconnected from the girl whose room this was.

"I need a hair cut," she said.

"A haircut?" Olga asked, spinning around. "Oh, I think we could do something about that, right Mom?"

"Sure, we could all do with a new cut," Miriam said, smiling at her daughters. Helga turned and smiled at them, then went over to the wardrobe.

Pink, pink, pink, pink . . . everything was pink. She made a face. She never really liked pink. She only wore it because . . .

"Man I was pathetic, wasn't I?" she said to no one in particular.

"Whatever do you mean?" Olga asked.

"I don't even like pink," she told her sister, turning to look at her. Olga nodded understandingly, and Miriam felt she was missing something.

"Then we'll go shopping for new clothes," Miriam said quickly. "You can choose the style you like and go with it."

Helga knew what style she liked. She liked steam punk. She nodded and smiled.

That night she woke with a start. In her dream she was walking into a big room with flowers everywhere, pink lilies. She remembered wondering if you could even get pink lilies. At the front of the large room was a coffin, and it was open. Her parents and sister stood weeping over it. Then they saw her a smiled.

"Come say goodbye to her, Helga," her sister said. "Time to let her go."

Helga had made her way up to the coffin and looked in to see herself lying there.

She had woken up with a gasp.

It was then she realized she really had died. The _old_ Helga. G. Pataki had _died_.

And a new one was reborn.

…..

"Are you sure, honey?" Miriam asked, staring at her daughter who was standing there in a corset, and a skirt that bunched up on one side to just above her knee, but fell down to just above her ankle on the other. Her daughter had gotten her hair layered but had kept the length, then had blue put in it. Miriam wasn't sure what to think. She had also had her eyebrow waxed into two. This was a completely different girl standing in front of her.

"I'm sure," she said. She entered into the changing room and dressed again into a more everyday outfit of tartan skirt, and black t-shirt with glittery wings on the back with the words "Hell Raising Angel".

Her nails she had had done in a dark red, and she had had little diamantes stuck on them. Miriam didn't know what to say, or even what to think. There was nothing practical about it. Helga was always a practical girl. Olga assured her it was a phase, and that Helga was just having to find herself all over again. Miriam sighed and placed her faith in her eldest daughter.

Olga was delighted though. For the first time in her life she was laughing with Helga, joking with her, getting along. And Helga was finding that she was enjoying it too.

When they got home they both put on a modelling show for Bob. He told them they looked nice, then looked to Miriam for approval, then looked away then back again.

"You get a haircut Miriam?" he suddenly asked. The girls looked at her.

"Yes, I did," she said. Bob nodded.

"It looks nice," he said gruffly. It wasn't romantic, or extravagant, but it meant the world to Miriam that he had noticed. And she was more than happy to reward him that night.

….

Two weeks after coming home, Helga was getting ready to return to school. She could feel a panic attack coming on. Instead of feeding it, she laid down on the floor and practised the breathing techniques that Dr. Bliss had been teaching her. Starting from her toes, she would tense the muscles, hold for the count of five, then release. She worked her way up the body, and did her face. One, two, three, four in, hold one, two, three, four out one, two, three, four, repeat.

She felt perfectly relaxed and fine after the exercise and made her way downstairs. Toast, cereal, a piece of fruit and cup of orange juice awaited her.

"I made your lunch today," Olga said.

"Thanks Olga," Helga said smiling.

"Phoebe is coming by with Gerald," Olga told her, not looking at her. "I said it should be okay. They were going to take you to school with them."

Helga felt butterflies. She hadn't seen or spoken to Phoebe since that day. Not for lack of trying on Phoebe's part. Helga just didn't have any desire to see her.

"Okay," she said quietly. There was a knock on the door just then, and Helga felt like throwing up. Was she going to see Arnold today? Was she ready to see Arnold? Breathe, breathe, breathe. She watched as her sister went to the door and opened it. She could hear voices, her sisters, a girls and a boys. Then the one she wasn't sure she was ready to hear. Arnold's. As she turned around she was enveloped in a tight hug by a big blue jumper.

"Oh, Helga," a teary little voice whispered. "Why didn't you call me back?"

Phoebe pulled back and Helga smiled at her. Oh no. just as she had felt with herself, her room, her closet, she was feeling it with her best friend. Disconnected.

"Um, you know, stuff," she said, looking past her to see Gerald and Arnold standing there. Arnold looked like he was going to cry, and Gerald looked awkward. She smiled at them. "Are we going or what?"

She grabbed her bag, and followed them out. She turned and gave her sister a wave, then closed the door and made her way down the steps and climbed in the back. Phoebe sat in the front, Arnold sat in the back with her. She put her new bag on her lap. It was a canvas like one, and she had already doodled on it. She had enjoyed her art, and music, and writing. She was writing about very different things now though. She smiled awkwardly at Arnold, who smiled back, then she looked out the window, keeping her hands on her bag.

"Your hair looks great," Phoebe said.

"Yeah, felt it was time for a change," Helga said.

"Why?" Arnold asked. "Nothing was wrong with you before."

Helga looked at him. Where was the desire, the swooning, the feeling of unrequited love she always felt around this guy?

"Everything has it's time Arnold. And it was mine."

"I don't get it," Gerald said. Helga shrugged.

"You don't need to."


	3. Chapter 3

Helga could hear the whispers, and feel the stares as she walked down the hall. But she refused to look down, or at them, or even acknowledge them. Arnold was walking close behind her, his hand occasionally bumping hers. She was pretty sure he'd twice tried to hold her hand. In the end she put her hands into the pockets of her skirt. For the first time in her life she really didn't want him near her. His presence was making her feel edgy and annoyed.  
Phoebe seemed to be taking more to heart the whispers and stares than Helga was. She felt bad for her friend. She looked at Helga though and saw she either didn't notice, or didn't care. She also looked over her best friends new outfit. The slightly billowy skirt above the knees, the lace of the showing underneath, the high necked, long sleeved cream blouse with a brown leather under-bust, and brown leather knee high boots. Phoebe could see that she was wearing cream stockings underneath as well. Her nails were painted a dark red. Her hair was in a messy up-do.  
This was not the Helga Phoebe remembered. And judging from the stares she was getting, neither was she to anyone else. Phoebe looked down at the ground frowning.  
When they got to Helga's locker she turned to them and told them she didn't need an escort. She knew how to get to her classes and would be fine.  
"We have English together, Helga," Arnold pointed out.  
"Yeah, we do, don't we?" she said, looking at her schedule. "We should probably start heading that way then."  
Without another word to any of them she walked off. The three of them stood watching her for a moment, waiting for her to turn and realise they weren't following her, and tell them to hurry up.  
But she didn't.  
They looked at each other, each with different emotions on their faces. Arnold's showed hurt, Phoebe's concern, and Gerald just confusion.  
"I better go," Arnold finally said. He made his way down the hallway in the direction Helga had gone.  
"Are you okay?" Gerald asked Phoebe, putting a hand on her arm.  
"No".

….

When Arnold finally reached class he saw Helga sitting next to Sheena and talking. When he went up to sit next to her she gave him a smile, but went back to her conversation. Something was wrong with her, and he couldn't pick quite what it was. It wasn't just the change of style, either.  
"I have some wonderful steam punk designs of my own, actually," Sheena was saying. "You should come and see them and see what you think."  
"I don't understand," Helga said. "Your so creative when it comes to fashion design. Why Don't you wear some of them?"  
Sheena looked taken aback for a moment. Was Helga paying her compliment? Helga? Helga never complimented anyone unless it was forced out of her, usually by Arnold nudging her, or giving her a look.  
"Oh, no, I-I don't . . . I'm . . ."  
"Too self conscious?" Helga helped. Sheena nodded.  
"I guess . . ."  
"Hey Helga?" Arnold said suddenly. Helga frowned a bit, but only Sheena saw it.  
"Yeah?" she said, looking at him.  
"Do you need help catching up with the work?" he asked, smiling at her.  
"No thanks," she said dismissively. "I was well ahead of you guys anyway, and Mr. Clarik was dropping it by for me. I'm good."  
Arnold sat back feeling like she had just slapped him. Helga never turned down a chance to spend time with him.  
Lila entered the room then, and looked Arnold and Helga's way. She halted and looked unsure on what to do and where to sit. She wasn't happy with Arnold. He had given her the impression that Helga was just a friend and would be fine with him seeing her, only for her to attempt suicide. She saw her talking to Sheena, and Arnold sulking in his chair. Was Helga rejecting him?  
'Good job if she is!' she thought, making her way down the aisle to a seat by the wall. She had been filled in on the whole sordid tale by Phoebe, who needed a shoulder to cry on. Dinner had been cancelled that night, though she only found out after she'd rung Phoebe. Lila had hung up feeling awful for Helga, and mad at Arnold. When she went around there the next day to chew him out about it all, he'd just shrugged, said he really didn't care how she felt about it all, and closed the door in her face. Arnold deserved all the misery he got, because he brought it all on himself.  
….

Morning classes passed by in haze for Helga. She went through the motions, read without actually reading, and finally lunch. She decided to avoid the cafeteria altogether, not feeling much like eating surrounded by people talking about her. Instead, she got her lunch from her locker and went off to the roof. The roof had been turned into a large garden area. Each class had a plot. "Sustainability" being the new rage and all. But she didn't care. Only a few people ever went up there at lunch, and they weren't the type to bother her.  
Opening the door she breathed in the smell of wet dirt, and wet plants. It was a nice smell, after being cooped up in rooms all day. Raised gardens were everywhere. They even had a grape vine growing up here. The cafeteria was known for taking their ingredients from here also, for the food. Helga made her way to where the herbs were kept. There was seating under shade there. It was a warm day with the sun beating down. Walking there, taking a seat, she took a look at her lunch. Apple. Orange, sandwich. Helga opened it and smiled. Pastrami on rye. She shook her head.  
She took another deep breath then started to eat, while also digging around in her bag for something to read. She had decided it was high time to read nosense books, and had gone through her sisters old books. Sugar Glen University. A book series about a set of blonde twins who had far out misadventures at university. So clichéd, it had Helga either rolling her eyes, or chocking back laughter. It was so bad it was kind of good.  
"Sugar Glen?" a sarcastic boys voice asked.  
"Yeah, got a problem with that?" Helga snapped, looking up.  
"Hey, no way, if your happy to have your brain melt and dribble out your ears, that's your problem," he said. "Just have the decency to clean up after yourself."  
"Whatever," she said, choosing to ignore him and go back to her book. It was drivel, but it was better than thinking too much about other things.  
"So you're the girl who tried to kill herself?" he asked. "Man, bet your embarrassed. Everyone knows you tried."  
"Shove off," she said, sending him a glare.  
"Just saying what everyone is thinking, except some of them who are saying it was a shame you didn't," he told her.  
"What the heck is wrong with you?" she demanded. "Go away, and leave me alone."  
"Uh, I think you'll find that this is my spot during lunch," he told her. "Not yours. So _you_ go away and leave _me_ alone."

"Not a chance," she snapped at him. "I was here first. Besides, I don't see your name written on it."  
He walked closer and leaned over her. She could smell his cologne. Enticing. Her breath hitched.  
"Carved it right there," he said, pointing to the back of the seat. Helga turned and leaned over to see that there was indeed a name carved there.  
"Your name is Axel?" she asked, raising a brow.  
"You name is Helga?" he retorted.  
They stared at each other for a long moment, neither backing down and both realising it. Then Helga got out her pen and wrote her name on the back of the chair.  
"Guess we're going to have to share it then, wont we?" she asked snarkily.  
"I guess we will," he said, smiling.  
"Fine."  
"Fine."  
They both turned around and sat on the seat properly. They both sat there quietly, munching on their lunch when he reached over to her.  
"Popcorn?"

...

In Math Helga crossed paths with Phoebe.  
"Where were you at lunch time?" she demanded, frowning at her. "We were worried about you."  
"I didn't want to eat in the cafeteria so ate somewhere else," she told her.  
"Where?" she asked.  
Helga just smiled at her and went a took her seat. Phoebe was slowly making her way to sit in the seat next to her when a cute brown haired guy slipped into the seat next to her.  
"Oh," she said. "Sorry I was going to sit there."  
"You snooze you lose," he told her smiling.  
"Helga's my friend," she said, cringing at how immature she had just sounded.  
"Yeah, Helga's my friend too," he told her, lounging back in the chair.  
Phoebe looked at Helga, who was staring at the boy with curiosity.  
"Helga?" Phoebe asked.  
"There's another seat here, Pheeb's," she said, pointing to the other chair next to her. "Relax."

Phoebe stood silent for a moment, before sending a glare towards the boy and taking her seat on Helga's left. Phoebe had always sat on the right, hence the nickname, Helga's Right Hand Girl. It wasn't a name she took pride in, but still . . .  
Phoebe looked over when she heard Helga laugh at something the boy said. Who was he?  
Her attention moved to the front when the teacher came in, but she kept getting distracted by the interactions between Helga and the boy.  
...

"Phoebe what's wrong?" Gerald asked, finding her at her locker after school.  
"She left me," she cried.  
"Who, Helga?" he asked, looking around for the blonde she-devil. Arnold came up alongside him.  
"What's wrong?" he asked, looking at Phoebe, but asking Gerald.  
"I don't know, something about Helga leaving her," Gerald told him, stroking Phoebe's hair.  
"Where'd she go?" Arnold asked, feeling a bit alarmed.  
"With Axel," she told them.  
"Axel? Brown hair, ripped jeans, sarcastic brat?" Arnold asked.  
"You know him?" Phoebe sniffled.  
"Unfortunately," Arnold said. "He's my lab partner in Science. He's really, really smart, but doesn't "apply himself"," Arnold said, making quotation marks with his fingers. "Teacher's words, not mine. I got paired up with him in the teachers hopes that I would rub off on him. I haven't. He's a pain in the arse."  
"Well he's Helga's new best friend," Phoebe told him. Then she pointed her finger at him. "This is all your fault."  
"Mine?" Arnold asked, taking a step back.  
"Okay, you know what? Let's all take a step back and breath," Gerald said, getting in between them. "We're all on the same team here."  
But Arnold and Phoebe continued to glare at each other.

…

"So what do you think?" Axel asked, pulling a sheet off a car. Helga's eyes went wide.  
"Wow," she said, looking it over.  
"Working on her," he said proudly. "She's my honey. If it were legal I'd marry her."  
Helga laughed. She had once heard her father say the same thing about his Hummer.  
"So your going to fix her up and . . ."  
"Drive her, Helga," he said. "I'm going to drive her. Once I get my license, which I totally will. Wanna ride with me baby?"  
Helga laughed again.  
"Sure, why not?" she said, looking in. There didn't seem to be a gearbox or anything, and no seats. "What kind of car is it?"  
The look on his face was priceless. Helga knew exactly what kind of car this was. It was a '65' Mustang Fastback. But it was worth playing the dumb blonde to see the look on his face.  
"It's a Mustang," he told her.  
"I know," she said, grinning at him. "I just wanted to see your face. It was a good face. Wish I'd had a camera."  
"That was a mean trick to play, wasn't it baby?" he asked, laying his head on the cars roof and rubbing his hand along it.  
"You, uh, want to be alone?" she asked.  
"Nah, I spend all my nights with her already," he said. "I've decided to grace you with my presence this fine afternoon."  
"Gee, I'm honoured," she said sarcastically.  
"You should be."

...

"Helga, phone for you!" Olga called up the stairs.  
"Got it!" she called back down. "Hello?"  
"Hey Helga, it's me," she heard Arnold say. She didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. Mostly because she really, really didn't want to talk to him. "Helga are you there?"  
Should she hang up? Pretend it was a faulty line or something.  
"Uhhh…"  
"Look, I just wanted to talk," he said. "We haven't talked in ages."  
"We talked this morning," she pointed out.  
"A couple of sentences in the car on the way to school, Helga," he snapped.  
"And in English," she added, smirking. She heard him give a frustrated growl on the other end. "Does your girlfriend know your calling other girls?"  
"Excuse me?" he asked.  
"Your new girlfriend," Helga said, twirling the cord around her finger. "I know it's not Lila anymore, she told me so herself, after apologizing a gazillion times for agreeing to go out with you in the first place, of course."  
Arnold was quiet on the other side.  
"Arnold, are you there?" she sang. "Huh, guess not, oh well."  
"Why are you doing this!?" she heard him yell.  
"Oh, so you are there," she said. "And doing what?"  
"Being mean, and rude," he said.  
"I don't know, Arnold, why are you always two faced and selfish?" she asked back. She smiled when she didn't hear an immediate answer. "Look I'm kind of busy."  
"With what? Your new boyfriend?" he asked scathingly.  
"Tsk tsk, Arnold, jealousy isn't very becoming," she said, looking over to her bed where Axel was sitting. "I really must go now, darling. Ta ta!"  
She hung up the phone and flopped back on her bed.  
"Wow," he said. "Your good. Was he spewing?"  
"Not my problem," Helga said, smiling. It wasn't her problem anymore. Arnold wasn't her problem anymore. She found that no longer was he the first thing on her mind in the morning, and last thing at night. She really should clean out the space in the back of her closet too. He no longer haunted her dreams.  
She finally felt free.

…

The next morning she got up extra early and took off straight after breakfast. She wanted to leave before Phoebe arrived with Gerald. She waited at the bus stop for the bus, then got on and took her seat. She shook her head. This is what she had come to. Hiding on the bus from her supposed best friend.  
"Hi Helga," a sweet voice said from behind her. She turned to see Sheena smiling down at her.  
"Hey, Sheena," she said, smiling back at the girl.  
"Are you thinking of coming back to the play?" she asked.  
"No, I think I'm going to miss it this year," Helga told her. "I have too much stuff to sort out."  
"Oh, of course, fair enough," Sheena said. "But it's always a good idea to keep busy, too."  
"Maybe I'll help with painting and stuff? Who knows?"  
"It's such a shame," Sheena said with a sigh. "Curly was so disappointed when he found out you wouldn't be playing his Lady Macbeth. He threatened to quit."  
Helga laughed.  
When the bus pulled up to the school she got off and immediately found herself looking for Axel. It was amazing finding someone she just felt so connected with. She was almost wondering if he was in her imagination.  
"I heard you were hanging out with Axel Jones yesterday," Sheena said. "He so cute!"  
Helga smiled. Yeah, he was cute. And witty. And they had fun sparring with words and insults. Helga felt a flutter in her tummy. She knew that feeling.  
But she wasn't going to risk falling in love again.


	4. Chapter 4

A month went by, with Helga seemingly growing more and more distant from her. It made her cry at night, and sulk in the day. They had always been and done everything together, and now that she didn't have Helga by her side she felt a bit lost. On Saturday morning, Phoebe hesitated at the door to the Pataki residence, wondering if this was going to end good or bad. But she had to do it, had to know. So taking a deep breath, she knocked the knocker hard against the door. Olga opened it, and seeing her standing there, smiled.  
"Phoebe!" she cried out, giving the petite girl a hug. "It's so nice to see you."  
"Thankyou, and it's nice to see you again, Olga," she said politely. "But I was wondering if Helga was home?"  
"Oh, yes, her and Axel are stripping the wallpaper off her wall," she told her. "Is he a new friend of yours?"  
"Nope," Phoebe muttered under her breath. "I can find my way up, thank-you Olga."  
Olga stepped aside as Phoebe entered and made her way up the stairs and turned right to Where Helga's room was. She heard music and laughing and knocked on the door.  
"Just a minute!" she heard Helga call. There was more laughing and when the door opened she found flushed Helga looking at her with a smile on her face. It was a bit odd.  
"Phoebe!" she said, keeping her smile. "I didn't know you were coming over today."  
It didn't escape Phoebe that Helga glanced quickly behind her, looking for Gerald no doubt.  
"It's just me, Helga," she said.  
"Oh, okay, come in," she said, moving aside. In the room she saw Axel sitting on the bed. Wallpaper was all over the floor.  
"Wow, what are you doing?" Phoebe asked, looking at the mess before her.  
"Stripping the wallpaper," Helga told her. "I'm going to paint the wall black and use it as a giant chalkboard."  
"I keep telling her it wont work with carpet, but what do I know, right?" Axel said, leaning back, hands behind his head. "Just a dumb boy here."  
Phoebe smiled at him for a moment.  
"You want alone time, don't you?" he asked. Phoebe nodded. "Okay, I'm gonna go get some snacks for later."  
He got up and waved to Helga, then left, closing the door behind him.  
"Did you really want to talk alone?" Helga asked.  
"Yes," Phoebe said, taking a seat on Helga's bed. "Why are you being so mean?"  
"What do you mean?" Helga asked, sitting on the bed next to her.  
"Avoiding me, taking his side over mine, being rude to all your friends," Phoebe said. "The list goes on. I feel like your cutting me out of your life Helga!"  
Helga was silent as she stared hard at Phoebe. She twisted her mouth, then looked down.  
"We need time apart," Helga said.  
"What do you mean?" Phoebe demanded. "Are you saying you want to take a break?"  
Helga nodded silently.  
"It's not you Phoebe," Helga said, thinking hard about what she was going to say next. "I just realised some things. And one of them was that I lean on you too much. I think it's best if we take a break. Grow a bit without each other."  
Phoebe laughed. Then Helga did.  
"Oh _man_," Helga said, leaning back against her pillows. "Did that sound like some cliched break up scene on a movie or what?"  
"Yeah, I know," Phoebe said with a giggle. "Of all the people in my life I never thought I'd hear the "_It's not you, it's me_" break up line from you."  
"Yeah, pretty random," Helga admitted, looking down and trying to hold back her tears. She needed to do this.  
"Helga, I never felt burdened by you," Phoebe said.  
"I ruined your night, remember?" Helga said wryly.  
Phoebe opened her mouth to protest, but realised she had said that, and obviously Helga had heard it. She hadn't realised Helga had heard it.  
"Oh my," Phoebe said, covering her mouth with her hands. "Oh, Helga, I didn't mean it. I was just so mad with Arnold and Lila and Gerald had just told me . . ."  
"It's fine, Pheebs, really," she said. "It's done."

…

Monday came too fast for Helga's liking. She looked down at her wrists. They looked a little puffy, and still red. She sighed, grabbing another long sleeved top from her closet and putting it on. Looking at her calender she saw that it was Arnold's birthday on the weekend. She shook her head. Maybe, _maybe_, she would get him a card. Finished dressing, she went downstairs to be greeted with a sobbing Miriam, and sad faced Olga and a grim faced Bob.  
"What's happened?" she asked, frowning.  
"Your grandmother passed away," Bob told her. "Sudden."  
"She never even told me she had heart problems," Miriam whined.  
"She may not have known, Miriam," Bob told her. "Your ticker goes when your ticker goes, it doesn't always give you a warning when it's ready to stop."  
Helga took a seat at the silent table, grabbing the box of cereal and pouring herself a bowl.  
"Your mother and I will be heading down for the funeral," Bob told them. "We'll be gone til next Tuesday at least, maybe longer. A lot of things to sort out."  
With that he turned and left the kitchen, heading upstairs to get things packed. Olga got up to do the dishes. Helga stood up, gave her mom a hug and kiss and left for school. As she was leaving she heard her mom say "Thank-you, Mom, for taking Helga's place."

…

When she got to her locker she saw Axel leaning against her locker frowning at his phone. He looked up as she said "Hi".  
"Hey," he said, giving her a smile. "How's things?"  
"My grandmother died during the night," Helga told him.  
"No shit," he said. "You alright?"  
"Yeah, wasn't that close to her, but it's still sad, ya know?"  
He nodded.  
Opening her locker she took a step back as a dozen roses fell out of her locker and towards her.  
"Whoa!" she said, dropping her books and holding up her hands to keep whatever was coming out of her locker hitting her. The bunch of roses fell to the floor and she bent to pick them up, and smirked at Axel.  
"Roses? Really?" she asked, while picking the card out.

_"I love you, _  
_I'm sorry_  
_-A"_

Her smile left her face as she looked down the hall to see Arnold staring at her intently, waiting to see her reaction. She looked back down at the flowers and shook her head. She put them back in the locker, got out the books she needed, while Axel picked up the ones she dropped and put them in her locker, then closed and locked it, walking away, not looking back at him again.  
"Ouch," Axel said, coming up behind her. "That had to hurt, and not just his feelings. Roses _aren't_ exactly in season."  
Helga shrugged.  
"Come on, you could at least acknowledge him trying," Axel said. "I'm getting some pretty mean looks and it's starting to get a bit distracting."  
"I looked at him," she said cooly.  
Axel didn't say anything more, just hugged her one armed, kissed her cheek and went off to his class, leaving Helga feeling stunned. Butterflies took flight in her chest.  
He'd just kissed her cheek!  
She could feel her cheeks warming up. She shook her head.  
"Stop it," she told herself sternly, entering her class.

…

"Why you?" Phoebe demanded, bailing Axel up in the hallway. He looked over to see Gerald and Arnold make their way over. Arnold was glaring his way, but Gerald looked more worried than anything.  
"Come on, babe," he said, taking Phoebe by the arm. She shrugged it out of his grip.  
"Just tell me why," she said, tears coming to her eyes.  
He stared at her a moment, before sighing.  
"Because I've been where she is," he told her simply, and turned and left.  
Phoebe, Gerald and Arnold watched him go, surprised. Then Phoebe took off after him, calling his name. he stopped and turned.  
"Then tell me why she's cutting me out of her life!" she screamed at him.  
"Look, I have my own problems," he snapped at her. "Sort your own out."  
Phoebe glared at his retreating back, watching as he ran a hand through his hair.  
"How rude," she heard a uppity voice say behind her. She knew the voice of Rhonda Wellington Lloyd almost as well as she knew her own. "Shame he doesn't have a personality to match his good looks."  
Phoebe didn't even bother to turn around and look at her. She just stormed off, Arnold and Gerald watching her go. There was a short awkward silence before Rhonda spoke up again.  
"So Arnold, now that your little pet lapdog has fled the kennel, who's going to follow you around, worshipping the ground you walk on now?" she asked, smirking at him.  
"Shut up Rhonda," he grumbled. Rhonda laughed.  
"You got your just deserts Arnold," she told him, smiling. "Helga was bound to wake up eventually. Shame she had to take the hard road to figure it out though. But she's a tough cookie. And with another tough cookie at her side-"  
"Shut up!" he snapped at her, turning around to glare at her. Rhonda smirked.  
"Truth hurts, eh?" she asked, tapping his shoulder with her book and walking away, her friends trailing behind her. Arnold glared after her.  
"Bitch."

…

Sheena was just finishing her handbag when Phoebe sat down beside her.  
"Hey, Sheena," she said, giving her a big smile.  
"Hello Phoebe," she said, smiling back shyly. Phoebe and Sheena had never been friends, and once in separate classes never even spoke to each other.  
"So, how's the costumes coming along?" Phoebe asked, looking at the bag.  
"Oh, they're done," Sheena told her. "I'm just working on my own personal little project." She held up the bag that she had just finished. Phoebe smiled politely. She had no interest in Sheena's bag.  
"But your not interested in that, are you?" she asked.  
"No. What do you know about Axel?" she demanded.  
"Axel?" Sheena asked. "Why would I know anything about him?"  
"Because you've been hanging around him and Helga," Phoebe told her.  
Sheena was quiet for a moment. She could understand where Phoebe was coming from. It had broken her heart when Eugene had realised he was gay and had found a boyfriend. Sheena and the boyfriend didn't get along though, and Eugene made "_The Choice"_. Sheena had lost her best friend that day. The worst part was that Eugene and his boyfriend hadn't even lasted the smester. Then Eugene had moved away after a particularly bad "accident", and they had never had a chance to repair their friendship. Not that Sheena thought they could. They had different feelings for each other.  
"I don't know anything, Phoebe, and if I did I wouldn't go around talking about someone else's business," she told her sternly. "It's very rude to gossip about other people."  
"Well, do you know who would know anything about Axel?" Phoebe asked, hoping.  
"Yes I do," Sheena said, picking up a needle.  
"Who?" Phoebe asked eagerly.  
Sheena stared at her, point blank, smiled and answered.  
"Axel."

…

"Hey Lila, got a minute?" Phoebe asked. Lila turned and smiled at her.  
"Sure," she said. "What's up?"  
"Do you know what school Axel went to before he came here?" she asked. Lila shook her head.  
"Why?" she asked, curious.  
"I was just wondering," Phoebe said. "I'm worried about the influence he has over Helga, you know?"  
Again Lila shook her head.  
"I'm sorry Phoebe, but I don't understand," Lila said.  
"Don't you think it's funny that Helga was fine with us until he came along, and now suddenly she doesn't want to know any of us?" Phoebe asked.  
Lila looked at her like she'd grown two heads.  
"Phoebe, Helga tried to take her life," Lila said quietly, like it was some kind of secret. "She wasn't okay. Not by any stretch of truth."  
"Yeah, but-"  
"I think you should respect Helga's wishes for now," Lila said. She covered her mouth with her hand.  
"You've been talking to her? She's been talking to you?" Phoebe demanded. Lila shook her head, then turned away and tried to walk off. "Lila!"  
Lila ignored her and walked a bit faster, hoping to lose Phoebe in the crowded hallway.  
No, Helga hadn't been talking to her. But she had just so happened to overhear a conversation between Helga, Axel and Sheena one afternoon at the park. She was waiting for Stinky. But she didn't feel it was her place to tell Phoebe anything. From what she understood, Helga already had.  
She banged into someone and looked up into green eyes set in a football shaped face.  
"Oh, shit," she said, taking a step back.  
"Sorry Lila," Arnold said.  
"Lila!" she heard again. Arnold looked past her to see Phoebe rushing towards them. He frowned and looked down at Lila who was sneaking past him. "Lila stop, please!"  
She felt Arnold grab her wrist and squealed.  
"What do you know?" Phoebe demanded when she reached them. Some people had stopped to watch what was going to happen, including Rhonda, who wore a knowing smirk.  
"Just leave Helga alone!" Lila yelled out. "She's happy, so just leave her alone!"


End file.
